back to work
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I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Goat cheese is for herders.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?