me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Awesome parenting 😂
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Made something I’m not proud of
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I am all good here, 😂😉
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT