me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth