I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
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Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Self-cleaning conscience
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager