Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
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There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012