*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
You Might Also Like
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
What personal space?
My dog
finally found a reasonable question
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Check out the legs on this baby
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Easy enough.