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The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
not seeing the problem
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
plums roundup
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.