Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
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ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”