WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
You Might Also Like
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Body by Oreos
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
pep talk
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.