*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick