We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
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I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
and now we wait
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding