Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
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I can also cook 😂
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
There is no try. There is only give up.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.