Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
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My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
how to have fun when you’re poor
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.