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In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*