*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
what the hell pray for carter everyone
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.