I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
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Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Breaking news:
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.