“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
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I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I’m good, thanks.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.