Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
bout dat hot dog summer
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Help Wanted
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle