When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
You Might Also Like
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
oh you like architecture? name three walls
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?