I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
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my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
nice challenge
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.