I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
You Might Also Like
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
pep talk
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.