I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
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I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
🙄😏😂🤣
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.