BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired