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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Kids: Stay in school.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time