Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
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Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
water it, i dare you
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Dolls on drugs
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.