me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.