but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
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Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.