DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
I don’t get marriage
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
And that about sums it up.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.