Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
You Might Also Like
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
That was easy.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes