Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
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[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
same vibe as tangled headphones
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you