Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
You Might Also Like
why would tinder want me to say this
Fight
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.