Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
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My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Happy Thanksgiving
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.