BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You Might Also Like
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
When someone trying to leave me
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000