Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
selfie game
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??