After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
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losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.