*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak