That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.