my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit