Just a friendly reminder!
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Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.