My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
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can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Important
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.