I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
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How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?