My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
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I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.