Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Investing in beetcoin
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”