My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
how to have fun when you’re poor
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I love twitter
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality