I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
You Might Also Like
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me