Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
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My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged