I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
You Might Also Like
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.