i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
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When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog