I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
channeling her this year
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.