Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Twitter remains undefeated
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
No. YOU-buprofen.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.